You are not a comedian because you’re

on Twitter,

You are not popular because they liked

your tweet,

You didn’t work the comedy clubs or

drink bitter,

You didn’t do the hard yards, didn’t feel

the heat.

Apart from that you’ve got no talent for it,

You’re not funny, no timing, no flair for links,

Find some other passion, maybe explore it,

Your dog’s got no nose, but you’re the one

who stinks.

Snap out of it everyone, none of you’s

Ronnie Barker,

As for Victoria Wood, nobody is her,

Your longing for love suggests

something darker,

Everyone’s a comedian, everyone’s

a raconteur.

You are not a photographer because of

your iPhone,

Its video button doesn’t make you

Ron Howard,

It’s not you who’s smart, that’s what they call

the phone,

It won’t be critical acclaim with which

you’re showered.

Apart from that your videos are so imbecilic,

Yet at the merest hint of critique you

take umbrage,

For all the sense they make they could be

in Cyrillic,

You’re not Orson Welles, you’re not

even Tunbridge.

Snap out of it everyone, none of you’s

Martin Scorcese,

Your mates aren’t Brando, your girlfriend’s

not Maggie Smith,

You want approbation, but you’re too

fucking lazy,

To deserve anything like it, to create a myth.

Book publishing software doesn’t make you

F Scott Fitzgerald,

Who told you that, how did you get

this deluded?

You couldn’t get a job as a reporter on the

Luton Herald,

So you’ve got a laptop – but were English

lessons included?

Apart from that you don’t even aspire to

write novels,

You don’t know what it takes, could never

stomach the slog,

You think you’ll get rich, but writers

live in hovels,

You’re not Ian McEwan, you’re not even

Ian McEwan’s dog.

Snap out of it everyone, none of you’s

Martin Amis,

Emily Bronte is Emily Bronte, but I’ll

tell you what,

Fuck off to X-Factor if you’re so desperate

to be famous,

Everyone’s a writer? No they’re not, sunshine.

No they’re not.

And for all those who think they’re musicians

Cos they’ve got StudioPro on their PC,

You’re not, okay, you’re really not.

Take it from me.